Destruction Vs. Construction

Nighttime is one of my most difficult times in my life since I have the majority of my memories of being molested by my father when I was young and then in my teenage years getting into a National prostitution ring and being forced into working on the  hoe stroll. I got into so many different situations that was very dangerous and very risky.
I got into so many strange guys vehicles off and on and I seemed like I was having recreational fun,however it was by far from fun. Little does alot of folks really know what kind of world is coming out when they're going to bed. It's a very vastly different story. Before I hit the streets at night I was given a quota to bring back to my pimp and I couldn't stop working until I met the quota which led to me rubbing and mobbing tricks or Mark's. I got really good at picking up men that I knew that I could peel.
I used to wear long curvy acrylic nails for that specific purpose to do just that. I got a reputation with the customers of giving good oral sex and I would charge them $ 75.00 and I would pick pocket their wallet and they would not even know what was going on.  I would get adrenaline rush from it! I remember doing that back in the 90's and I had a pager that I would have my customers and pimp page me on and I would go to the nearest pay phone and give my pimp the code of 86 and that was for him to get me off of the track immediately and I would be waiting for him to come pick me up and I would go back to the hotel for awhile or for the rest of the night depending upon where I was working.
I was trafficked from the east coast to the west coast and into Canada. It was called the circuit and I would even have customers paging me from the west coast when I was in the east coast and I had a few sugar daddies that would wire me money through western union and most of the Greyhound bus stations had western union and I would pick it up to only go to my pimp. I didn't get to keep any of the money. 
My pimps would sit in their cadillacs,  Mercedes Benz, Jaguars and BMW's that I bought for them and watch me and hang out with other pimps. I was always very aware of when he was watching for somehow I sensed that I was being watched.  If I wasn't being watched by my pimp it was the police officers and I would get busted for a sting that they were doing and I would get propositioned by them and some would tell me to give them some oral sex and they would let me go. I naturally did it to prevent going to jail. 
Make no mistake about that I was not a force to reckon with. I was not called Tasmanian witch for nothing.  My name out there was Tazz and no one but my pimps would know my name. I have a very difficult time dealing with these memories.
I associate nighttime with molestation,  rape and prostitution and I have to be honest about this for it had it's good times as well yet towards the end of my career it was not any good times about it. I grew a hatred and deep down rooted resentments and anger towards men and I still have a mistrust and hatred for men.  In fact after I got out of the life of drugs and prostitution I stayed clean from all drugs yet I went to the gay lifestyle and there's a lot of memories that I have sitting in the gay clubs kissing upon my ex girlfriend. Nighttime used to be full of adventurous times for me. Since I have been saved I read the word and pray and I write.  I am now on a Godly adventure instead of a destructive and the road to utter death. You may ask what death are you talking about exactly.  The death that I'm referring to is being totally cold on the Inside. The nightmares are horrific and so I can not sleep at night. I sleep better during the day better, however it's hard for me to get out of bed somedays. I rather just sleep life away than to have to be awake to be tormented by the nightmares and flashbacks. I never really rest well.
Someday, I know that it will change as I keep walking in obedience to God yet I cannot deviate from it. I am going to keep on this Journey that I am on for Jeremiah 29:11 states: I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord " plans to prosper you and not to harm you but to give you a future and a hope.
I'm a true testament of that scripture so with that being said I know that God is going to do great things in my life!
Please,  don't give up five minutes before the miracle happens!
Karla