Conquering My Biggest Fear...

After much thought and careful  consideration and a whole lot of prayer I am deciding to come out publicly about this. I have never had a clear sense of identity for it was easy for me to be a entertainer of men since I was a very young child. I was taught well by my father to entertain men through sex so it was very ingrained in my psychology. For most of my life I looked to be the center of attention and I was always matching my insides to your outsides. I was excellent at playing the part of the life of drugs and prostitution for I was groomed as a child to be exploited in child pornography.  I have used sex to get what I wanted and mostly to get attention. I didn't know anything different from that. I have not talked about what I'm about to discuss. I have been diagnosed with having borderline personality disorder and it's been a total nightmare and tons of painful times and things has taken place in my life as a result of having bpd. 
With having borderline personality disorder I was out for self sabotage and self harmful behaviors. In the life of drugs and prostitution it wasn't anything for me to be with strange men and women and even transgender women and lesbian couples.  I had no conception of fear when it came down to harmful and risky situations however that is where the bpd kicked in for I have been desperately afraid of people getting to know me for who I truly am.
Interpersonal relationships has been a topsy turvy area in my life. Once I thought that someone got too close to me I would do something to make that relationship or friendship with them reject me. When I was rejected then came the crisis mode and the feelings of chronic loneliness and depression would set in.
I have been extremely brutally self destructive to me by doing drugs and inquiring eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimic nervosa. I used to be extremely anorexic and that is why the drug methamphetamine was my drug of choice. I wouldn't eat nor sleep. The longest time I have ever gone without any sleep or food was 18 days straight.  I would always joke about losing weight by saying that I was a ounce away from a perfect weight. That means a ounce of meth. To this day I have a eating disorder that I battle with daily and I battle bulimia. At times I will binge eat then make myself regurgitate. I have been extremely suicidal in my past to where I attempted suicide 32 times and psych wards and jails were revolving doors for me. 
To be real honest and transparent I'm in the process of finding out who the real Karla really is. Being and living with borderline personality disorder is downright exhausting and painful. My borderline personality disorder has ravished so much of my life.  It's hard to accept myself as I am although since I have gotten saved God is starting to deal with me in these areas.
Borderline personality disorder is a very serious mental illness and its almost impossible to treat. The majority of the mental health field doesn't work with us that suffer from it for it's very challenging and demanding to work with.  Oftentimes,  I have fallen in between the cracks in different symptoms of mental illnesses that is why they call it borderline personality disorder.  It's extremely depressing and lonely and a very misunderstood illness.  People may say well you chose to be like that when the truth is that I do not like this at all. I am not choosing to live or be this way let's be extremely clear on this. 
There are days when I am paralyzed by depression and I struggle to get out of bed and I rather just sleep so I don't have to deal with stuff. I have always felt like I was never good enough for anyone and if they really knew what I struggle with they will not like me and will condemn and judge me. I have gone out of my way to try to be like other people for I always wanted to be someone else doing something else. I'm explaining what it is like to live in constant fear of what it's like to never feel comfortable in my own skin. Since I have been going to a excellent therapist and a born again Christian therapist I am getting somewhere for once in my life.
I have been running from myself long enough to where I am being convicted and I have no more avenues to go to anymore. It is time to get real and to be honest about Karla and I have to say that I'm just now starting to finally open up and say that I lack a clear sense of identity.  I have based my past on my identity and I am not my past and I do not wish to continue to define myself as a former drug addict and prostitute and lesbian for I'm more than that! I am tired of being defined by what I was. Enough is enough so it's definitely time for me to be transparent in spite of my fears of being rejected, abandoned for I'm just tired from running and hiding. 
All, I know is that I have received alot of divine interventions in my life from God and I am not going to give up five minutes before the miracle happens!
Karla Lee Pierce