Interpersonal Relationships

One major thing that I would like to get across to the masses is that suffering from borderline personality disorder is a very daunting task! It is never ending for one minute my moods are either like in a manic stage or a depressed mode. Bpd according to many mental health therapists is totally impossible and is a hopeless condition. I am exhausted from living this way for the only emotions that governed my life was anger and rage and with it followed by addictions of sex, drugs and pornography. 
I am fighting with just getting out of the gay lifestyle and watching pornography right now. I am into all sorts of pornography except watching men have sex with women. I seem to be addicted to the effects and the sensations that come over me by another woman.
After I got out of the life of drugs and prostitution I went straight to the gay lifestyle for many years I had sex with men and women and even transgender women and even lesbian couples or married couples as well when I was in prostitution. I have never had a father or mother figure or at least at best a detrimental, toxic relationship with my mother and father. 
My relationship with my mother is not a good relationship for she knew good and well what was going on and she was a teacher and was obligated by law to report any type of child abuse that she suspected or knew what was going on and she did it for some of her students yet here she was with a child molester who was molesting her daughter and did absolutely nothing about it. She still denies it to this day. I'm angry with her for her refusal to protect me.  When I was with my ex girlfriend I was the dominant one however I was still in a abusive relationship. We would fight and it even got physically violent. She would be very emotionally and mentally abusive to me and I would react in anger and rage and hit her and after we would get into a altercation then the make up sex would happen. I myself became a abusive to her which I never thought I would ever be able to admit that. 
All I know is that I am tired and burned out on sex and yet I have a addiction to it. I don't feel comfortable nor worthy of love. As someone who has borderline personality disorder this is not uncommon at all. I am desperately afraid of opening up and allowing myself to get close to me. It's even terrifying to think about it yet I must start somewhere and that is here.
Karla